April Fools Edition, With Mischievous Cocktail Recipes
Originally, I planned to write an "April Fools article" with a fake, disgusting cocktail, like a Bourbon Banana Julep. Then I realized that I just don't have the street cred to get away with it. Instead I'll tell you about a practical joke skirmish I witnessed, and include the diabolic recipes.
One
day in college, I came home, (not from class I assure you) to find my
girlfriend at the time, Renée, and one of my housemates, Rich, standing
inches apart, quietly giggling like 6 year olds. They waved me over and
told me of the trickery afoot. Our other housemate, Sean, was a
dedicated Coca-Cola drinker and earlier, Rich had replaced his two liter bottle of Coke with Seltzer and Soy Sauce.
They showed me what the concoction looked like. It was amazing. It was
beautiful. The foam from the carbonation was the exact color. Sean had
spent his day doing homework, a strange practice that eventually landed
him a gig with N.A.S.A., and Renée and Rich spent their day bringing
Sean salty snacks. I assure you, if my housemates brought me anything,
I would be suspicious. But not Sean. He'd poured himself a Coke and was
upstairs working diligently, his right hand inches away from a tall,
ice cold glass of salty, smokey, mayhem. I had joined the conspirators
standing inches apart, quietly giggling like 6 
year olds. About a
minute later, we heard the urgent and muffed "PBmughagh!" sound as Sean
reeled in horror, trying not to spit the dastardly brine all over his
computer. Oh, Christ, we laughed until we cried. Then we ironically
celebrated with drinks.
Sean,
being a good sport, seemed to let it go, but in fact, he was quietly
plotting. In those days, Rich figured himself to be a bit of a
sophisticate and had purchased a $4 bottle of wine. "Table," I believe.
Now, a bottle like that, you don't finish all at once... you savor it.
Rich put the unfinished bottle in the fridge and never noticed it grow
slightly fuller, having been "livened up" with vinegar. A few days
later, with all the style and grace befitting of a college student with
a leftover bottle of $4 wine Rich drank it, never pausing for
complaint. While Sean felt thwarted, I say it still counted. That's
some embarrassing shit, drinking vinegar.
As
for the recipes, I'll let you work out the ingredient ratios on your
own, to allow you the time to asses the risk/reward ratios. Sean, Rich,
Renée and I are still close, but you might not be so lucky. Are the
potential consequences truly worth it to you?
Well, whatever you do April 1st,
Bottoms up, keep it classy,
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