Tipsy

Johnny Lager's Cocktail Hour

April Fools Edition, With Mischievous Cocktail Recipes

Originally, I planned to write an "April Fools article" with a fake, disgusting cocktail, like a Bourbon Banana Julep. Then I realized that I just don't have the street cred to get away with it. Instead I'll tell you about a practical joke skirmish I witnessed, and include the diabolic recipes.

One day in college, I came home, (not from class I assure you) to find my girlfriend at the time, Renée, and one of my housemates, Rich, standing inches apart, quietly giggling like 6 year olds. They waved me over and told me of the trickery afoot. Our other housemate, Sean, was a dedicated Coca-Cola drinker and earlier, Rich had replaced his two liter bottle of Coke with Seltzer and Soy Sauce. They showed me what the concoction looked like. It was amazing. It was beautiful. The foam from the carbonation was the exact color. Sean had spent his day doing homework, a strange practice that eventually landed him a gig with N.A.S.A., and Renée and Rich spent their day bringing Sean salty snacks. I assure you, if my housemates brought me anything, I would be suspicious. But not Sean. He'd poured himself a Coke and was upstairs working diligently, his right hand inches away from a tall, ice cold glass of salty, smokey, mayhem. I had joined the conspirators standing inches apart, quietly giggling like 6 year olds. About a minute later, we heard the urgent and muffed "PBmughagh!" sound as Sean reeled in horror, trying not to spit the dastardly brine all over his computer. Oh, Christ, we laughed until we cried. Then we ironically celebrated with drinks.

Sean, being a good sport, seemed to let it go, but in fact, he was quietly plotting. In those days, Rich figured himself to be a bit of a sophisticate and had purchased a $4 bottle of wine. "Table," I believe. Now, a bottle like that, you don't finish all at once... you savor it. Rich put the unfinished bottle in the fridge and never noticed it grow slightly fuller, having been "livened up" with vinegar. A few days later, with all the style and grace befitting of a college student with a leftover bottle of $4 wine Rich drank it, never pausing for complaint. While Sean felt thwarted, I say it still counted. That's some embarrassing shit, drinking vinegar.

As for the recipes, I'll let you work out the ingredient ratios on your own, to allow you the time to asses the risk/reward ratios. Sean, Rich, Renée and I are still close, but you might not be so lucky. Are the potential consequences truly worth it to you?

Well, whatever you do April 1st, 

Bottoms up, keep it classy,

Johnny Lager's Cocktail Hour

Johnny Lager's Cocktail Hour:

Every now and then, When I can't think of anything to write, I'll present to you this series of How-to's.

Equipping Your Home-Bar, Vol. 1; Blowing the First of Several Pay-Checks:

Booze, uh, I mean, Spirits:

There are many, many types of cocktails, never mind the number ingredients and their varying qualities and characteristics. And of course, every drinker has their own idiosyncrasies. So how can we build or fine-tune our humble home-bar to accommodate everyone's prima-donna, persnickety needs?

Well, we have 4 options:

1) Just hanging with your college friends? McCormick Vodka and any blue colored syrup you can find at the grocery store will do. Even cough syrup. Maybe get a lime.

2) If you have classier friends, like I pretend I do, go to your local liquor store, head straight to the bottom shelf and get one of everything; vodka, gin, blended whiskey, bourbon, light and dark rums. You can buy more expensive signature bottles as you scrape together the loot. Next, you need dry and sweet vermouths. Vermouth is cheap, so always buy the best. As I always say, "Martini & Rossi, FTW." 

Liquor: $50 

Vermouth $12

3) My favorite option: For a few dollars more you can get some pretty tasty stuff; Sobieski vodka, Gordon's gin, Canadian whiskey like Seagrams and Evan William's bourbon. Rum? I know fuck-all about rum. Help me out in the comments section, wouldya? Anyway, as far as bar-bang-for-your-buck, these are cheap yet high quality liquors you won't mind mixing. Cocktails made with these carefully selected bottles will put you in good stead with the hoi polloi. 

Liquor: $65 

Vermouth $12

4) What's that? You make a killing working for VanDeLay Industries? Well excuse me, Lord Swankington, go ahead, break the bank and buy the "top shelf" shit all at once! I stock Belvedere vodka, Boodles gin, Tullamore Dew whiskey and Makers Mark bourbon and whatever rum I'm experimenting with at the time.

Liquor: $?? Sky's the limit, Homeschool. 

Vermouth $12 seriously, Martini & Rossi, FTW.

Mixers:

Finally, you'll need mixers. A grocery store will have all the common mixers like juice and soda. I keep orange juice, pineapple juice, tonic, ginger beer and Coca-Cola on hand at all times. Pepsi is for children. They'll also have sweetened and unsweetened lime juice as as well as grenadine.

Mixers: $15-20

This will give you all you need to mix quite a few classic cocktails at a moments notice. For example, I often like to surprise myself with a dry martini within minutes of getting home. Self love is key. And you can mix so much more; a Dry, Sweet, or Perfect Manhattan, all the Bucks, Coolers and Mules, as well as several standards like the Gin and Tonic, Screwdriver, rum or whiskey and Coke, etc. And, thanks to me, you did it all within your budget. Ain't I sweet?

Next installment, i.e., next time I can't think of a good article; Bar Equipment, on the cheap!

Keep it classy, and bottoms up!

Johnny Lager's Cocktail Hour: St. Patrick's Day Edition

I am neither Catholic, nor Irish, but I know a good thing when I see it. St Pat's is a day for swinging from rafters, and although I am a gentleman to the last, I'ma swing from a rafter now and then. But Saint Pat's falls on a Wednesday this year, so most of us "made our observances" this past weekend. I, for example, imbibed in an apartment overlooking the parade, beguiling the revelers with some of my finer "blue" material. Last year I wondered through the warren of fist-fights that surrounds my favorite dive bars. I'll probably do that again next year.

Do these adventures mean we can't observe the holiday on it's proper day? Heavens no! Instead, we should invite some of the lads and ladies by, and reacquaint ourselves with some of Irelands least expensive finest whiskeys, and cocktails.

But no "Irish Car Bombs" here; no green beer; no mint martinis. We are far too familiar with those. If my column has a unified purpose, it is to be smug. But, if it has a second one, it is to elevate the palate. But let's not go crazy; the following recipes builds on the previous one. Even the first one.

The first three cocktails have the same base:

2 oz Irish whiskey - It's St. Pat's, Jameson's is on sale, so use that.

Ginger beer - ginger ale blows.

15 oz highball glass filled with ice

Highball:

Pour whiskey into glass, top with ginger beer.

Irish Buck:

Pour whiskey into glass, twist a lemon peel into glass, drop in peel, top with ginger beer. 

Irish Ale:

Pour whiskey into glass, squeeze 3 lime wedges into glass, drop in wedges, pour in 3 oz ginger beer.

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Now, lets mix a Whiskey Sour. A real one. "Sour mix" is pedestrian. This little beauty is beautifully balanced when mixed properly.

Whiskey Sour:

2 oz Whiskey

2 oz Lemon juice

1 oz Simple syrup*

1 Maraschino cherry -for the ladies

Boston shaker

Rocks glass

*Simple syrup: put equal parts sugar and water in a glass jar and shake till completely dissolved. Use a microwave if need be.

Combine all liquids in a Boston shaker filled with ice, swirl well, strain into a rocks glass, garnish with the cherry. 

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Ready to go sick-house behind the bar?

Irish Kilt 

2 oz. Irish Whiskey 

1 oz. Scotch 

1 oz. Lemon juice 

1 oz. Simple syrup 

3 Dashes of Orange Bitters 

Boston shaker

Cocktail glass

Combine all the ingredients in a Boston shaker filled with ice, swirl well, strain into cocktail glass. 

Good luck finding the Orange bitters. Sub with Angostura Bitters and a twist of orange peel.

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Listen people, Tipsy loves you, be safe, drive safe.

Ties on, bottom up!

Johnny Lager's Cocktail Hour

Belated Washington's Birthday Edition. As always, a story and a cocktail recipe.

As the first stirrings of spring are in the air and the snow melts from the meadows, we are reminded that there is work to do. We must renew our vigor and resolve. But, it's still cold and dreary! What shall we do?

Well, pull up an old timey tavern chair and sit with ol' Johnny Lager by the fire, I've a tail to tell, and a hell of a   cocktail with which to wake you from winter's spell.

The Father of Our Nation

By 1775, the American colonies were sick and tired of England's bull crap and went looking for a bad-ass to square things with the Brits. Willing to do his share, Washington, a militia leader, was appointed commander-in-chief of the American revolutionary forces. By 1783, he and his scrappy 13 colonies (plus France, but whatevs) pushed the British Empire out of their land. To learn more, watch Braveheart, pretend Mel Gibson is George Washington, and turn it off before Mel is betrayed. Oh, and Patrick McGoohan didn't kill Washington's wife.

At the end of revolutionary war, the defeated King George III, asked what Washington would do. When he learned that Washington wanted to return to his farm; King George III said, "If he does that, he will be the greatest man in the world." Washington indeed returned to private life on his (ahem) hemp plantation and thus was (retroactively) declared the "greatest man in the world," by his enemy. Process that. My mom doesn't think that highly of me.

Thankfully Washington returned to duty, presiding over the drafting of the Constitution, becoming the (more or less) First President of the United States and avoiding further wars with England and France. And he did it all while wearing a jaunty powdered wig. With wooden teeth. Washington had the wooden teeth, not the wig.

The Otherside

Which brings me, of course, to modern day Boston. It was here that I first tried the cocktail that could only be named for the man who delivered us from the sinister English, and single-handedly co-founded this nation. Fittingly, I discovered it in the fiercely independent Otherside Café, hidden on the west-most block of Newbury St. This undeniably American establishment has a three-fold charm; 1) it is staffed by hip, friendly bicycle messengers, who are known for their ironically relaxed service - I have never gotten a spoon with my coffee. 2) Their gourmet panini, wraps and other fair are far better than the status quo. 3) They serve kick-awesome beers all the ding-dang day long and well into the night. Fortunately, one of the managers is an old friend, so my enthusiasm for Charm #3 (read: voracious consumption of curiously high proof lager) is tolerated. Anyway, on a cold, wet day like this one, stop in and order...

The George Washington:

1 Pint Guinness

1 demitasse espresso

The Prep:

You will need a 20 oz. imperial pint glass, a Guinness tall-boy and some espresso. Although I am a famous can-hater, use the tall-boys, they are close to a pint.

Some people like to brew their own espresso, and I salute them. They are the vigorous, can-do types that make our land great. But the how to's are a bit dicey, so I will not cover that here. Stop at a café and buy a few shots of espresso, you'll probably want the espresso to cool down anyway.

The Build:

1) Open a chilled Guinness tall-boy. Warm ones explode.

1) Pour the Guinness into the pint glass.

2) Pour the espresso into that very same pint glass.

3) Enjoy.

The Experience:

Like it's namesake, The George Washington is unexpectedly bold, smooth, purposeful and honest. I'm getting a little teary over here. It's flavor starts with the familiar, pleasant taste of Guinness. As you continue, it darkens into the rich coffee without tipping past its base component. The finish mellows back to the creamy, extra-stout, but leaves a sweetened coffee aftertaste. But enough of that foofery! Here's a cocktail that rolls up your sleeves and loosens your tie. Here's a cocktail that gets shit done!

Thank you, George Washington, for so much.

Ties on, Bottoms up!

Johnny Lager's Cocktail Hour

My inaugural rant, with a bonus cocktail recipe, sure to be an instant classic!

Let me get this off my chest right now - a cocktail, minus ice, in a cocktail glass, is not a Martini, fer' F's sake! The "appletini" is an apple cocktail, in a cocktail glass, so how the fudge is it suddenly a Martini, huh?! Answer me that, girly-drink drinker! A Martini is 3 oz. gin, a splash of vermouth and an olive. and that's it. Maybe some more olives.


That being said, I don't mind variations of the actual Martini. In general the "original" is not always the best - the practice of dentistry illustrates my point nicely. It's come a long, painful way. The modern Martini has far less vermouth then it's proud ancestor, which is an improvement. Vermouth is a concentrated white wine with a dry, thick, flavor that competes with the crisp botanicals of the gin. The most famous variation is the Vodka Martini, commonly mistaken as the OG. To make it, you just replace the gin with vodka. If, for some damn reason you want to replace the familiar olive with a cocktail onion, it is called a Gibson, not an Oniontini. The point being, if indeed I still have one, that variants on the Martini -the actual Martini- are to be renamed, not forsaken. Unless it sucks. Like the Gibson.

I recently came across a rather specific, light and delicious Martini variant called the Philip, or, to my aggravation, the Philtini.

2 parts Vodka
1 part Gin
1 splash vermouth
1 jumbo gorgonzola stuffed olive. Maybe more, I like olives

Building the Philip:

I always build by pouring all liquids, one after the other, into a small, 4 ounce measuring glass when I can, then into an ice filled Boston shaker. More on that gear some other time.

You will likely have to buy jumbo, pitted olives and gorgonzola separately, then stuff them your own damn self, but this task is integral, and worth while, you lazy ponce.

This delicate, intricate cocktail is best made with a smooth, neutral vodka, such as the incomparably crisp yet inexpensive Sobieski, in order to allow the botanicals of the gin to mellow and diffuse. Vodkas with prominent flavors such as Provda and Level, should be reserved for other mixed drinks where their characteristics can be put on proper display. The gin is up to you. While it is the main flavor in a Philip, you can get away with your favorite staple. Vermouth is cheap, so always buy the best. Martini & Rossi, FTW. However, go lightly here. You don't want the subtle vodka/gin blend to be overpowered by the dry wine-y flavor. I've tried the Philip with as little vermouth as emulsified ice, or as much as half an oz. Both versions had their charms.

To get the cocktail brutally cold, pour it into the steel tumbler of a Boston shaker, filled with a tray of ice then SWIRL until the sides are frosty. The gin is not bruised and your Philip is chilled propa.

Strain it into a cocktail glass, (pre chilled with ice water if you believe in fairy-tails and other horse crap) and finally, garnish with one to two gorgonzola stuffed jumbo olives. You should see a small, delicate film from the stuffed olive, floating on the surface. Get excited. It is proof of the creamy, sharp, savory, meaty finish to a delicately flavored, crisp, sophisticated cocktail, that will give the room a soft glow, and knock your ass on the floor if you try a second one.

Ties on, bottoms up.

Much love,
Johnny Lager