Tipsy

Dear Ms. Carey,

We are writing to apologize for the delay. We'd anticipated the release of Sweet Pink last week, but there was a delay in shipping due to a customs hold up. We understand the importance of the wine for your next tour, so we can send you your 1,000 cases via private jet if you like.

We would also like to take a moment to thank you for being such a loyal Hello Kitty client. It's not often that a woman of a certain age is willing to channel her inner 12-year-old so readily and so convincingly, and few in the world understand that our Hello Kitty wines do not promote child alcoholism as well as you do.

Again, our deepest apologies for the inconvenience, and please let us know how to rectify the problem to best suit your needs.

Sincerely yours,

Sanyo

Ali and Jess go to Home Run Burgers

  

by Prichinna

After some late morning shopping with my lovie Jess, we decided to stop for a late afternoon lunch. Burger’s were in order since it was spring break and we needed a little grease after an open mic night the evening before. 

My facebook friend Mike had just opened a burger joint a few days before so we decided to give it a whirl. It became a bit of a search due to the fact that I thought he said it was located in Holtsville. After taking a tour of that town, we stumbled across it in Holbrook. Hey, they both start with an H and are located next door to one another. 

So after our Harold and Kumar adventure, without Doogie or the drugs, we arrived at Home Run Burgers. The carry-out burger joint is located on the wedge on Main street, a great traffic pattern for this fast-food establishment. There is ample parking in the rear and a neatly manicured landscape surrounds the brick patio in the front. Once inside, there is a line to order and separate one for pick-up. Sports memorabilia lines one of the white tiled walls that is bordered with blue and red-checkered tiles. One can’t deny a nostalgic all American feeling here.

Burger choices are a single, double, or triple Angus burger with or without cheese, pickles, and onions. The most expensive burger on the menu is the Homerun Burger with two ¼ pound patties, bacon, lettuce, tomato, onions, and cheese: $4.99. The menu also boasts a Chicken slider, a cheese dog, and a Philly cheese steak. There are onion rings, fries, cheese fries, and chili cheese fries as well. You can even order an old fashioned milkshake or a fountain soda to wash it all down. 

Jess and I indulged in a tasty cheeseburger, a cheese dog with an extra soft and fresh bun, and cheese fries. Next time we will ask for more cheese as it was a bit scant. That and two sodas came to a mere 10 bucks. We enjoyed our meal on the patio. The place was hopping and we chose to sit on the slate retaining wall, although there were four umbrellaed (-ellaed, ellaed...) tables that each sat eight. If the weather was not conducive to dining outside, there are ten stools and counters along the front windows. Of course you could always get your burgers to go. 

Home Run Burgers is open every night until 10 pm and until midnight on Fridays and Saturdays.

  
  

S.W.A.K. worthy AND a Home Run

Johnny Lager's Cocktail Hour

April Fools Edition, With Mischievous Cocktail Recipes

Originally, I planned to write an "April Fools article" with a fake, disgusting cocktail, like a Bourbon Banana Julep. Then I realized that I just don't have the street cred to get away with it. Instead I'll tell you about a practical joke skirmish I witnessed, and include the diabolic recipes.

One day in college, I came home, (not from class I assure you) to find my girlfriend at the time, Renée, and one of my housemates, Rich, standing inches apart, quietly giggling like 6 year olds. They waved me over and told me of the trickery afoot. Our other housemate, Sean, was a dedicated Coca-Cola drinker and earlier, Rich had replaced his two liter bottle of Coke with Seltzer and Soy Sauce. They showed me what the concoction looked like. It was amazing. It was beautiful. The foam from the carbonation was the exact color. Sean had spent his day doing homework, a strange practice that eventually landed him a gig with N.A.S.A., and Renée and Rich spent their day bringing Sean salty snacks. I assure you, if my housemates brought me anything, I would be suspicious. But not Sean. He'd poured himself a Coke and was upstairs working diligently, his right hand inches away from a tall, ice cold glass of salty, smokey, mayhem. I had joined the conspirators standing inches apart, quietly giggling like 6 year olds. About a minute later, we heard the urgent and muffed "PBmughagh!" sound as Sean reeled in horror, trying not to spit the dastardly brine all over his computer. Oh, Christ, we laughed until we cried. Then we ironically celebrated with drinks.

Sean, being a good sport, seemed to let it go, but in fact, he was quietly plotting. In those days, Rich figured himself to be a bit of a sophisticate and had purchased a $4 bottle of wine. "Table," I believe. Now, a bottle like that, you don't finish all at once... you savor it. Rich put the unfinished bottle in the fridge and never noticed it grow slightly fuller, having been "livened up" with vinegar. A few days later, with all the style and grace befitting of a college student with a leftover bottle of $4 wine Rich drank it, never pausing for complaint. While Sean felt thwarted, I say it still counted. That's some embarrassing shit, drinking vinegar.

As for the recipes, I'll let you work out the ingredient ratios on your own, to allow you the time to asses the risk/reward ratios. Sean, Rich, Renée and I are still close, but you might not be so lucky. Are the potential consequences truly worth it to you?

Well, whatever you do April 1st, 

Bottoms up, keep it classy,

Johnny Lager's Cocktail Hour

Johnny Lager's Cocktail Hour:

Every now and then, When I can't think of anything to write, I'll present to you this series of How-to's.

Equipping Your Home-Bar, Vol. 1; Blowing the First of Several Pay-Checks:

Booze, uh, I mean, Spirits:

There are many, many types of cocktails, never mind the number ingredients and their varying qualities and characteristics. And of course, every drinker has their own idiosyncrasies. So how can we build or fine-tune our humble home-bar to accommodate everyone's prima-donna, persnickety needs?

Well, we have 4 options:

1) Just hanging with your college friends? McCormick Vodka and any blue colored syrup you can find at the grocery store will do. Even cough syrup. Maybe get a lime.

2) If you have classier friends, like I pretend I do, go to your local liquor store, head straight to the bottom shelf and get one of everything; vodka, gin, blended whiskey, bourbon, light and dark rums. You can buy more expensive signature bottles as you scrape together the loot. Next, you need dry and sweet vermouths. Vermouth is cheap, so always buy the best. As I always say, "Martini & Rossi, FTW." 

Liquor: $50 

Vermouth $12

3) My favorite option: For a few dollars more you can get some pretty tasty stuff; Sobieski vodka, Gordon's gin, Canadian whiskey like Seagrams and Evan William's bourbon. Rum? I know fuck-all about rum. Help me out in the comments section, wouldya? Anyway, as far as bar-bang-for-your-buck, these are cheap yet high quality liquors you won't mind mixing. Cocktails made with these carefully selected bottles will put you in good stead with the hoi polloi. 

Liquor: $65 

Vermouth $12

4) What's that? You make a killing working for VanDeLay Industries? Well excuse me, Lord Swankington, go ahead, break the bank and buy the "top shelf" shit all at once! I stock Belvedere vodka, Boodles gin, Tullamore Dew whiskey and Makers Mark bourbon and whatever rum I'm experimenting with at the time.

Liquor: $?? Sky's the limit, Homeschool. 

Vermouth $12 seriously, Martini & Rossi, FTW.

Mixers:

Finally, you'll need mixers. A grocery store will have all the common mixers like juice and soda. I keep orange juice, pineapple juice, tonic, ginger beer and Coca-Cola on hand at all times. Pepsi is for children. They'll also have sweetened and unsweetened lime juice as as well as grenadine.

Mixers: $15-20

This will give you all you need to mix quite a few classic cocktails at a moments notice. For example, I often like to surprise myself with a dry martini within minutes of getting home. Self love is key. And you can mix so much more; a Dry, Sweet, or Perfect Manhattan, all the Bucks, Coolers and Mules, as well as several standards like the Gin and Tonic, Screwdriver, rum or whiskey and Coke, etc. And, thanks to me, you did it all within your budget. Ain't I sweet?

Next installment, i.e., next time I can't think of a good article; Bar Equipment, on the cheap!

Keep it classy, and bottoms up!

I’ve been Bitch slapped!

by Kels

I stop off at my local discount wine and liquor store “Viscount” to pick up some wine. Being on a very tight budget and also in a bad mood, I walk in and immediately see a bottle of wine "entitled" Bitch, a 2008, South Australian Grenache. I turn the bottle around to see the description and it simply says Bitch repeated over and over. At the bottom of the label it says 15.5% and it’s on sale for $9.99. Hmmm, seems to fit the bill. And I am feeling a bit bitchy so I purchase the green bottle with the bubble gum pink label.

I get home, open the bottle and pour a glass. A lovely cranberry color in the center with a pinker cast along the edges, light and fruity scent with slight hint of spice. Hmmm, I think again, only this time a little suspiciously, as the thought of Kool-Aid popped into my head. I go for it and take a swig – Whoa!!! I am totally B-I-T-C-H slapped by sugar and alcohol and think yes Kool-Aid flavored alcohol. I knew Grenache wines could be a bit sweet but it had been awhile since I had one and didn't remember it being this sweet and strong. It reminded me of a slightly watered down port.

Since I stick to the principal of never wasting alcohol, I force myself to slowly polish off the glass. The great thing about a bad tasting, highly alcoholic wine is that it starts to taste better and better as you reach the bottom of the glass. I must say I am quite warm, cozy and totally relaxed after one glass. In the end, one glass is enough though. It is way too sweet for me to drink more.

I am not looking forward to the first few sips of the glass that I will no doubt have tomorrow night, but know that half way through the glass it will be just fine. I won’t buy this wine again but I think I may have to try their Bitch Bubbly only because I love the name.

Later that night:

Ok so maybe it's not THAT bad. It's starting to grow on me and tasting less sweet. Note to self: do not write review while drinking. Am now having an additional 1/2 glass of this wine as I'm editing. I will certainly regret this I'm sure.

Rendez-vous, s'il vous plait

By Jay  

So, I’ll launch the Dustbin Confessionals by professing my love of the dive bar.  Perhaps this hearkens back to a time in which dive bars were the only places that would serve my 19-year-old self. Perhaps I just had such fun times playing entire Madonna albums on the dive jukes and dancing away with my girlfriends. Or perhaps the smell of stale Coors Light is somehow comforting. Whatever the reason, no matter what poshness I’ve experienced, my heart belongs in a dive.  

I had a few standards in New York that I loved. Holiday Cocktail Lounge on St Mark’s Place is fantastic – small, dark, with stinky loos and a no-nonsense barman. As if all that isn’t charming enough, the black leather booth seats were proudly repaired with duct tape. Ah, yes, many a morning did I find the sticky remnants on my ass. Milano’s is another gem. Located on Houston, it’s a surprising little haven from the hustle and bustle of SoHo. But don’t mistake calm for class: Milano’s is the real deal. The walls are jammed with beer signs, band advertisements, whatever. Dim neon barely lights up the interior – not that you’d actually want to see what’s going on, mind you. Pop in sometime mid-day for enlightening barfly conversation. O’Connor’s in Brooklyn taught me not to drink bourbon. Well, I still do, but O’Connor’s taught me that I shouldn’t. It was my post-tattoo bar of choice back in the day, and I still long for its grit.  

Thankfully, Buffalo has many a dive bar – so many, in fact, that several friends and I entertained the idea of creating a Monopoly using Buffalo dive bars. Although we’re far too lazy to actually do it, I think I found the Park Place of Buffalo dive bars: The Rendezvous. 

ElMarko was raving about how The Rendezvous was THE place to go, albeit briefly. A series of mishaps and bad business decisions closed it before its time. Located on the struggling Niagara Street on the west side of Buffalo, The Rendezvous is now straight-up hood. We stumbled (literally) in one night after pretending to be classy elsewhere and we were greeted by a frisk and a $3 cover. I wouldn’t mind the frisk so much, but $3? For what? Apparently for the pleasure of blasting hip-hop, which I actually didn’t mind at all. Had I been stone-cold sober, I *might* have minded the security guard’s many guns strapped to his body, but happily, I didn’t care. I also might have worried that we were by far the whitest people in there, but no one else seemed to care, so neither did I. The barman was really friendly and accommodating, and as soon as I heard me some Jay-Z, I was good. ElMarko lamented the loss of the interior - apparently, there’d been some great old booths and such – but I was blissful in my ignorance.  

Will I be hanging out at The Rendezvous on a regular basis? Eh, probably not. But it’s good to know of yet another dive that I can crawl into when the need presents itself.

New Category Alert!

Be honest: what is in your recycling bin?

Have you ever caught yourself whisking Miller Lite bottles out of sight before your friends come over?

Has your fondue recipe remained top secret because the star ingredient is Tostito's Nacho Cheese?

What about those mags Gato Negro you never allow to age to perfection?

Yeah, we've all been there. And here on Tipsy, we're going to lay it all bare. We will strip ourselves naked before you to reveal the sad truths that get us through. Maybe you'll laugh, maybe you'll cry, maybe you'll puke... but you'll definitely relate.

Welcome to the Dustbin Confessionals!