Over the weekend, my dear friend Lucy introduced me to the
world of jungle juice. She went to college in the south and apparently this is
what they drink at the dorm parties there. If everyone else already knows about
this stuff I apologize, but I did not until now. So the deal is, you mix up
some Kool-aid and Everclear. Everclear is a grain alcohol that can be
substituted for vodka. Due to its very high alcohol content it is very hard to
find and even illegal in many states. This concoction is mixed up in a garbage
can and one dunks their cup in like a ghetto-fabulous punch bowl.
Now you might be wondering why we were drinking such a
thing. It was not that we were hitting up the dustbin, oh-no-no. We were
attending a white trash themed party. We went all out on costumes and even went
as far as to incorporate our beverages in as well. Since we live in a state
that does not feel Everclear should be available for consumption, we went with
the cheapest and strongest vodka available and chose black cherry Kool-Aid. We
drank the mix out of Chinese quart containers with a straw, not quite a garbage
can but worked well.
So as you have probably guessed by now, the stuff was pretty
awful. We modified it with extra sugar and switched the vodka over to Kettle
One. No one would know the vodka was not a white trash brand, the containers
were enough to get the point across. Not sure how many quarts we drank, but
when I woke up in the morning, I felt fine. Slightly astonished on how that
could be - I later realized that I was simply still drunk and Motrin was
eventually needed.
Not going to lie, I am still curious about the Everclear….
Every now and then, When I can't think of anything to write, I'll present to you this series of How-to's.
Equipping Your Home-Bar, Vol. 1; Blowing the First of Several Pay-Checks:
Booze, uh, I mean, Spirits:
There
are many, many types of cocktails, never mind the number ingredients
and their varying qualities and characteristics. And of course, every
drinker has their own idiosyncrasies. So how can we build or fine-tune
our humble home-bar to accommodate everyone's prima-donna, persnickety
needs?
Well, we have 4 options:
1)
Just hanging with your college friends? McCormick Vodka and any blue
colored syrup you can find at the grocery store will do. Even cough
syrup. Maybe get a lime.
2) If you have classier friends, like I pretend I do, go to your local liquor store,
head straight to the bottom shelf and get one of everything; vodka,
gin, blended whiskey, bourbon, light and dark rums. You can buy more
expensive signature bottles as you scrape together the loot. Next, you
need dry and sweet vermouths. Vermouth is cheap, so always buy the best. As I always say, "Martini & Rossi, FTW."
Liquor: $50
Vermouth $12
3) My favorite option: For a few dollars more you can get some pretty tasty stuff; Sobieski vodka, Gordon's gin, Canadian whiskey like Seagrams
and Evan William's bourbon. Rum? I know fuck-all about rum. Help me out
in the comments section, wouldya? Anyway, as far as
bar-bang-for-your-buck, these are cheap yet high quality liquors you
won't mind mixing. Cocktails made with these carefully selected bottles
will put you in good stead with the hoi polloi.
Liquor: $65
Vermouth $12
4)
What's that? You make a killing working for VanDeLay Industries? Well
excuse me, Lord Swankington, go ahead, break the bank and buy the "top
shelf" shit all at once! I stock Belvedere vodka, Boodles gin, Tullamore Dew whiskey and Makers Mark bourbon and whatever rum I'm experimenting with at the time.
Liquor: $?? Sky's the limit, Homeschool.
Vermouth $12 seriously, Martini & Rossi, FTW.
Mixers:
Finally, you'll need mixers. A grocery store will have all the common mixers like juice and soda. I keep orange juice, pineapple juice, tonic, ginger beer
and Coca-Cola on hand at all times. Pepsi is for children. They'll also
have sweetened and unsweetened lime juice as as well as grenadine.
Mixers: $15-20
This will give you all you need to mix quite a few classic cocktails at a moments notice. For example, I often like to surprise myself with a dry martini
within minutes of getting home. Self love is key. And you can mix so
much more; a Dry, Sweet, or Perfect Manhattan, all the Bucks, Coolers
and Mules, as well as several standards like the Gin and Tonic, Screwdriver, rum or whiskey and Coke, etc. And, thanks to me, you did it all within your budget. Ain't I sweet?
Next installment, i.e., next time I can't think of a good article; Bar Equipment, on the cheap!
Although we strive for
anti-intellectualism here at Tipsy, every now and again, we do actually read.
And by that, I mean books. I know, I know… I’m ruining our reputation as
good-for-nothing lay-abouts. Sorry ‘bout that.
Par exemple,
just the other day, ElMarko surprised me with three books. I was stressing
mightily about unrelated issues, and the sight of three bits of entertainment
was most-welcome. When I had a moment, I cracked open “How’s Your Drink?” by Eric
Felten, and it’s been a delight to say the least. Mr. Felten has a popular
Sunday column by the same name in The Wall Street Journal, and this book is a
collection of those pieces.
Let me admit here that,
despite my booziness, my knowledge of cocktails is rather scant. I don’t think
I’d ever had anything beyond some sweet horror show until I was past thirty,
and since then, I don’t get too adventurous; I didn’t like the martinis that
I’ve had because warm gin is just plain nasty, but since they remain so highly
popular, I’ve decided that there is something gravely wrong with my palate that
prevents me from enjoying tepid swill.
However, I learned from Mr.
Felten that the reason I dislike most martinis is because they’re not proper
martinis! Wha….?!! (Of course, I could’ve just re-read Johnny Lager’s martini
column, but that’s neither here nor there.) Mr. Felten provides an overview of
the evolution of martinis from the Martinez
to the fruity sugar bombs that currently stink up menus. Pomegranatini, anyone?
Martinis should not,
apparently, be served in massive glasses. Mr. Felten made the point that the
three-martini lunches of yore were only possible because martinis were small.
Fancy that! So ad execs of Madison
Ave didn’t do their best work shitfaced? I demand
a recount!
Enough about martinis, though.
Let’s move on to other classic cocktails, shall we?
When I lived in New York, I would occasionally
treat myself to a drink at the Algonquin. Yes, I understand that the ghosts of
Dorothy Parker et al have long since fled, but I can’t resist a big, deep
armchair and a Sazerac on a cold night. Yes, you read right: a Sazerac. I’d
never heard of it either, but according to Mr. Felten, it originated in New Orleans which only
makes me love it more.
And speaking of Manhattan, I am now a
fully-versed expert on Manhattans. Again, I’d only had one or two in my life
and they were insanely strong. Mr. Felten notes that this once wildly popular
drink fell from favor right around the time “Rabbit, Run” was published.
Updike’s leading lady was a pathetic drunk who swilled sugary Manhattans all
day. Not being too sweet myself, I wouldn’t dig on that either, so I’ll have to
try out his recipe for THE way to make Manhattans. And then tweak it, of
course.
So run out and grab “How’s
Your Drink?” Even if you’re not the literary type, you can get a great lil’
book of recipes. And if you’re obsessive like me, you’ll likely fantasize about
the next Sazerac, preferably on a New
Orleans balcony.
I am neither Catholic, nor Irish, but I know a good thing when I see it. St Pat's is a day for swinging from rafters, and although I am a gentleman to the last, I'ma swing from a rafter now and then. But Saint Pat's falls on a Wednesday this year, so most of us "made our observances" this past weekend. I, for example, imbibed in an apartment overlooking the parade, beguiling the revelers with some of my finer "blue" material. Last year I wondered through the warren of fist-fights that surrounds my favorite dive bars. I'll probably do that again next year.
Do these adventures mean we can't observe the holiday on it's proper day? Heavens no! Instead, we should invite some of the lads and ladies by, and reacquaint ourselves with some of Irelands least expensive finest whiskeys, and cocktails.
But no "Irish Car Bombs" here; no green beer; no mint martinis. We are far too familiar with those. If my column has a unified purpose, it is to be smug. But, if it has a second one, it is to elevate the palate. But let's not go crazy; the following recipes builds on the previous one. Even the first one.
The first three cocktails have the same base:
2 oz Irish whiskey - It's St. Pat's, Jameson's is on sale, so use that.
Ginger beer - ginger ale blows.
15 oz highball glass filled with ice
Highball:
Pour whiskey into glass, top with ginger beer.
Irish Buck:
Pour whiskey into glass, twist a lemon peel into glass, drop in peel, top with ginger beer.
Irish Ale:
Pour whiskey into glass, squeeze 3 lime wedges into glass, drop in wedges, pour in 3 oz ginger beer.
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Now, lets mix a Whiskey Sour. A real one. "Sour mix" is pedestrian. This little beauty is beautifully balanced when mixed properly.
Whiskey Sour:
2 oz Whiskey
2 oz Lemon juice
1 oz Simple syrup*
1 Maraschino cherry -for the ladies
Boston shaker
Rocks glass
*Simple syrup: put equal parts sugar and water in a glass jar and shake till completely dissolved. Use a microwave if need be.
Combine all liquids in a Boston shaker filled with ice, swirl well, strain into a rocks glass, garnish with the cherry.
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Ready to go sick-house behind the bar?
Irish Kilt
2 oz. Irish Whiskey
1 oz. Scotch
1 oz. Lemon juice
1 oz. Simple syrup
3 Dashes of Orange Bitters
Boston shaker
Cocktail glass
Combine all the ingredients in a Boston shaker filled with ice, swirl well, strain into cocktail glass.
Good luck finding the Orange bitters. Sub with Angostura Bitters and a twist of orange peel.
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Listen people, Tipsy loves you, be safe, drive safe.
My inaugural rant, with a bonus cocktail recipe, sure to be an instant classic!
Let me get this off my chest right now - a cocktail, minus ice, in a cocktail glass, is not a Martini, fer' F's sake! The "appletini" is an apple cocktail, in a cocktail glass, so how the fudge is it suddenly a Martini, huh?! Answer me that, girly-drink drinker! A Martini is 3 oz. gin, a splash of vermouth and an olive. and that's it. Maybe some more olives.
That being said, I don't mind variations of the actual Martini. In general the "original" is not always the best - the practice of dentistry illustrates my point nicely. It's come a long, painful way. The modern Martini has far less vermouth then it's proud ancestor, which is an improvement. Vermouth is a concentrated white wine with a dry, thick, flavor that competes with the crisp botanicals of the gin. The most famous variation is the Vodka Martini, commonly mistaken as the OG. To make it, you just replace the gin with vodka. If, for some damn reason you want to replace the familiar olive with a cocktail onion, it is called a Gibson, not an Oniontini. The point being, if indeed I still have one, that variants on the Martini -the actual Martini- are to be renamed, not forsaken. Unless it sucks. Like the Gibson.
I recently came across a rather specific, light and delicious Martini variant called the Philip, or, to my aggravation, the Philtini.
2 parts Vodka
1 part Gin
1 splash vermouth
1 jumbo gorgonzola stuffed olive. Maybe more, I like olives
Building the Philip:
I always build by pouring all liquids, one after the other, into a small, 4 ounce measuring glass when I can, then into an ice filled Boston shaker. More on that gear some other time.
You will likely have to buy jumbo, pitted olives and gorgonzola separately, then stuff them your own damn self, but this task is integral, and worth while, you lazy ponce.
This delicate, intricate cocktail is best made with a smooth, neutral vodka, such as the incomparably crisp yet inexpensive Sobieski, in order to allow the botanicals of the gin to mellow and diffuse. Vodkas with prominent flavors such as Provda and Level, should be reserved for other mixed drinks where their characteristics can be put on proper display. The gin is up to you. While it is the main flavor in a Philip, you can get away with your favorite staple. Vermouth is cheap, so always buy the best. Martini & Rossi, FTW. However, go lightly here. You don't want the subtle vodka/gin blend to be overpowered by the dry wine-y flavor. I've tried the Philip with as little vermouth as emulsified ice, or as much as half an oz. Both versions had their charms.
To get the cocktail brutally cold, pour it into the steel tumbler of a Boston shaker, filled with a tray of ice then SWIRL until the sides are frosty. The gin is not bruised and your Philip is chilled propa.
Strain it into a cocktail glass, (pre chilled with ice water if you believe in fairy-tails and other horse crap) and finally, garnish with one to two gorgonzola stuffed jumbo olives. You should see a small, delicate film from the stuffed olive, floating on the surface. Get excited. It is proof of the creamy, sharp, savory, meaty finish to a delicately flavored, crisp, sophisticated cocktail, that will give the room a soft glow, and knock your ass on the floor if you try a second one.
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